My step son is ruining my marriage?

My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby casey84 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:05 am

5 yrs ago my husband and I got married. he had 2 children 14 yr old twins Mitchell and Megan. I love them like they are my own children but I feel like I have done all I can for them. Mitchell is a smart, talented boy that some where along the line has gotten off track. He dropped out of university, is addicted to drugs and will hurt who ever he has to to get what he wants. My husband and I have tried everything, we put him in several different drug rehab programs, tried interventions at home, you name it we did it. Mu husband has cleared out our bank accounts on more then one occasion to pay for rehab or pay of his debts. He comes home high / drunk and starts fights in front of our 4 yr old son. He has broken furniture, punched holes in our walls and stolen my credit cards. My husband and I seem to be always at each other when Mitchell is around. He recently quit yet another drug program yet my husband let him move back home. I am beyond tired of it, I'm tired of him coming home high, worrying if I will get a phone call that he over dosed. I sometimes think it would easier to just pack up and leave. How to I explain to my husband that his son is ruining our marriage?
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby pranit77 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:07 am

that is a really tricky one the fact he is your step son actually appears to be irrelevant to your treatment of him and I applaud you for that and I can see why you're concerned to say anything to your husband. It would be easy for him to blame it on the fact that you are his step mom. However when people are addicts no matter what it is to they have to accept their problems to get anywhere with them and I'm afraid your husband is enabling him to continue this behaviour by paying his debts and taking care of him. He isn't ready yet for rehab as he hasn't reached rock bottom. You can try talking to your husband about this but all I'd advise is just to stay calm and support each other, never easy when you have so many fears to deal with. You may be able to find a support group for families of addicts and that may help your husband to see that helping his son so much is counter productive.
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby katelinn50 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:10 am

Get out, honey, because he's NEVER going to stop enabling his son. It's always going to be his son on a pedestal- at your expense. What kind of example is your husband setting for your four-year-old?
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby ori » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:12 am

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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby denis » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:14 am

If you truly want advice lets start here....you don't love him like your son or you would be in the same position your husband is trying to help him. I know that sounds harsh but it seems to me that you all ready to blame your husband for trying to help his son. His son is not ruining your marriage, you are.

Take a minute and look at the situation. Imagine it being your four year old son grown up with these issues. Would u do the same? Would you try everything to help him? Would you worry that if you threw him out on the streets that he would be even more in trouble? Would you look at it from a different position.

If you and your husband don't understand each others position on this then that would be the cause of the problem in your marriage. I imagine because what you have said that you more than likely would have told him that you love him as if he was your child, he probably believes that you feel the same way as he does....but you don't, do you?

My parents both got remarried and although I love my stepparents, I know deep down that I will never love them like I love my parents. My step mom and I are very similar and as I got into my twenties I really started to get along with her. But, I know that her son will always have a more special place in her heart. It's different and I have come to learn that this is true. There is nothing wrong with that. But, you have to understand it now too.

Sorry to be so harsh. I have no intention of hurting your feelings just giving the blunt truth.

Discuss this with your husband without yelling without trying to hurt his feelings and before you get into another fight.
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby sedgewik » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:16 am

This talk needs to be had. You have give your husband an ultimatum or go to counselling to help you come up with a resolution. Where is their mom? If she is around she need to take on some of this weight. Even though he is your husband and you want to be supportive, remember he is Not your child plus he is an adult.
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby burley70 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:18 am

How is it that a CHILD can destroy teh lives of two ADULTS?

Two adults are alwasy more powerful than one child. A child can destroy adult lvie ONLY WHEN THE ADULTS ALLOW IT.

Thus, this child is not destrying yoru marriage -- YOU ARE! Youa sk"how do you explain this to your husand?" This SHOWS that the two of you are NOT workign as a single, fmaily unit. Every things is still "me and you". You do not support each other in major decisions, adn apparently the is some hesitency to even TALK about them.

the two of YOUO need family counseling to learn how to communicate, how to decide a a suitable plan of action that you BOTH can support, and then work TOGETHR to see that plan through.

GET COUNSELING!!!!!

BTW: The step son needs to be out of the home. Whil he is gone, pack his stuff and leav i on teh sidewalk. change the locks. if he breaks in, have him arrested for B&E. He CANNOT dstory your marriage unless YOU allow it!


Stop playing around
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby raylen » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:21 am

How is it that a CHILD can destroy teh lives of two ADULTS?

Two adults are alwasy more powerful than one child. A child can destroy adult lvie ONLY WHEN THE ADULTS ALLOW IT.

Thus, this child is not destrying yoru marriage -- YOU ARE! Youa sk"how do you explain this to your husand?" This SHOWS that the two of you are NOT workign as a single, fmaily unit. Every things is still "me and you". You do not support each other in major decisions, adn apparently the is some hesitency to even TALK about them.

the two of YOUO need family counseling to learn how to communicate, how to decide a a suitable plan of action that you BOTH can support, and then work TOGETHR to see that plan through.

GET COUNSELING!!!!!

BTW: The step son needs to be out of the home. Whil he is gone, pack his stuff and leav i on teh sidewalk. change the locks. if he breaks in, have him arrested for B&E. He CANNOT dstory your marriage unless YOU allow it!


Stop playing around
Im confused, is he 14 now, or 19? If he is 14 I would not let him leave the house or give him an option to do those things. Talk to the school guidence counselor and see if they have any ideas of things to do. I am really happy you guys have tried so much for him, most people wouldnt. He needs help, but isnt ready to get it. If he is actually 19 you cant force him to do anything. He needs to be ready, but you cannot enable him anymore. Give him no other options- if you do this again you will be out and have no where else to turn. Dr Phil has had a ton of shows this year on drug interventions and thats what they have done.....check out his website and see if they have a how to or tips to try.

Im sure your husband knows the stress your relationship is under with his son. Go gentle, because you dont want to make it worse. Just explain how you feel and tell him you just want everyone to be happy. Maybe share the information you find with him so he can get ideas of what to do, too. Good Luck!!!!
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My step son is ruining my marriage?

Postby porfiro1 » Sat Mar 19, 2011 9:23 am

How is it that a CHILD can destroy teh lives of two ADULTS?

Two adults are alwasy more powerful than one child. A child can destroy adult lvie ONLY WHEN THE ADULTS ALLOW IT.

Thus, this child is not destrying yoru marriage -- YOU ARE! Youa sk"how do you explain this to your husand?" This SHOWS that the two of you are NOT workign as a single, fmaily unit. Every things is still "me and you". You do not support each other in major decisions, adn apparently the is some hesitency to even TALK about them.

the two of YOUO need family counseling to learn how to communicate, how to decide a a suitable plan of action that you BOTH can support, and then work TOGETHR to see that plan through.

GET COUNSELING!!!!!

BTW: The step son needs to be out of the home. Whil he is gone, pack his stuff and leav i on teh sidewalk. change the locks. if he breaks in, have him arrested for B&E. He CANNOT dstory your marriage unless YOU allow it!


Stop playing around
Im confused, is he 14 now, or 19? If he is 14 I would not let him leave the house or give him an option to do those things. Talk to the school guidence counselor and see if they have any ideas of things to do. I am really happy you guys have tried so much for him, most people wouldnt. He needs help, but isnt ready to get it. If he is actually 19 you cant force him to do anything. He needs to be ready, but you cannot enable him anymore. Give him no other options- if you do this again you will be out and have no where else to turn. Dr Phil has had a ton of shows this year on drug interventions and thats what they have done.....check out his website and see if they have a how to or tips to try.

Im sure your husband knows the stress your relationship is under with his son. Go gentle, because you dont want to make it worse. Just explain how you feel and tell him you just want everyone to be happy. Maybe share the information you find with him so he can get ideas of what to do, too. Good Luck!!!!
I get that your husband wants to help his son. But he needs to consider the safety and peace of his family. You have a 4 year old child in the home and that is a dangerous environment. Your husband is enabling his son and that is why he keeps returning.

My grandparents put up with a drug addict cousin of mine for years; stealing, breaking things, sneaking people into the basement, leaving her children, and so on. One day, she came home and cursed my grandparents and yelled and tried to pick a fight and they kicked her out. One of the hardest things they've ever had to do, according to them. And it was difficult not to give in and let her come back. But they stuck to their guns and eventually, my cousin got the message that no one was going to continue putting up with her crap and allowing her to behave as she was AND still support her. She had to find her own way and she did and now, years later, she is thriving and thanks my grandparents for taking extreme measures with her. It was what she needed.

You might sit down with your husband so that TOGETHER you can come up with some way of nipping this problem in the bud. Otherwise it will get worse. You can do that or you can pack up your son and leave and tell your husband you will not return until the environment is safe for your child. Right now, it is not.
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